Author: Fowlkes Consulting

  • Lead toward Workplace Inclusion: Part 2

    Written by Robert S. Robinson

    In the workplace, employees are exposed unfairly to privilege in leadership, micro-inequities in employee treatment, institutionalized prejudice, and sometimes, overt discrimination. Heightened awareness by leaders can drive them to bring about a more inclusive workplace.

    Inclusion and equality are extremely important to LGBTQ+ since they as a group do not have all the same protections under the law as do heterosexual, cisgender employees. Thus, LGBTQ+ employees may be impacted by those privileged employees and employers who may not know that LGBTQ+ are not provided equal treatment protections. Though privilege does not equate to bullying behavior and entitlement, this article will address these inequities and micro-inequities in Part 1 Privilege, which was published yesterday, and Part 2 Discrimination, below.

    Universities are bastions of institutionalized discrimination. Often times these biases are labeled and dismissed as school traditions, the Ivy League Way, the SEC mentality, Frat Row antics, Mean Girls, or boys just being boys sharing locker room talk.  In reality, these are examples of institutionalized discrimination; these behaviors oftentimes are violations of school policies, workplace policies, and even federal civil rights laws.  Oftentimes, people inside the institutions don’t realize that they are participating in institutionalized biases. We call this the “bubble effect.”  Those inside the bubble don’t realize that they are functioning inside an isolated space of controlled norms of behavior and are restricted to the point of view of the institutionalized behaviors of conduct.  However, a visitor to the institution or organizational climate assessor easily can notice behaviors that are unique to that institution and may be deemed as a contribution to a toxic culture.

    Sometimes people of privilege will pretend to embrace diversity and bespeak of embracing LGBTQ+ on an inclusive level, but at the first sign of a work disagreement, the privileged person will use the gay peoples’ differences against them: “She’s just an angry lesbian…why doesn’t she wear heels like the rest of the administrative team?  She needs to conform.” Then attacks can escalate. Workplace bullies will single out someone that they are competitive with or want to gain power over by attacking a primary trait of a person that cannot be changed. For example, “Well, you know he’s gay by the way he talks with his hands; he must be weak.’’  These non-sequiturs are no more than sabotage. Workplace bullies use these logical fallacies for their own surge in power and authority. When workplace leaders and policy makers allow these micro biases to flourish and become accepted as the truth, the subjects of these attacks suffer. Therefore, they do not perform at peak performance.  Employers will then become a participant in the gossip and start to believe it.  Such employers may find themselves as perpetuators of discrimination, in legal terms.    As recently as 2019, a young, millennial LGBTQ+ left his government-sponsored position because his boss kept telling him, ‘You know you can change your sexual orientation if you just turn your life over to God.”   The boss’s choice to perpetuate discrimination by repeatedly trying to change the young man’s core sexual orientation led to a violation of the separation of church and state and the boss was reprimanded by Human Resources.

    Other times, the workplace bully will become a sniper or saboteur by starting a lie as a rumor, no matter that the rumor was not validated. One boss who vocally purported to be an LGBTQ+ ally decided to attack someone she didn’t like. She was demonstrating her heterosexual privilege. She said with a scandalous tone in her voice, “I heard that he was on a gay dating site; if substantiated, I would fire him on the spot! He’s not committed to work.” Again, the boss sets up another non sequitur for her own personal gain showing flagrant display of privilege and power.

    Some attacks on victims are outrageous.  I have even heard first-hand when a boss criticized a colleague saying that “the only reason that the employee was upset by the boss cursing her was because she was sexually molested as a child. A few harsh words would not be a big deal to her had she not been sexually assaulted.”  This type of slander exists in places where institutionalized discrimination is rampant.  It also creates a toxic culture.  These are ways that privileged person uses malicious sabotage to gain authority or power over a competitor at work who happens to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community, or other minority.  I say, “Gossip is the unassuming little mouse that chews the rope that sends the chandelier crashing to the table.”  The damage is not realized until it hits people in the face at the most inopportune times.  At that point, the destruction has been done.  The workplace is hostile; people file complaints. -Or people leave the organization, taking their expertise and job experience with them.   In these cases the workplace and leader bear the reputation of being perpetuators of discrimination.

    Cheerleaders kneel during the National Anthem during a university football game to bow in protest to racial injustice– Is this an act of disrespectful defiance to the status quo of privilege or is it an example of humility asking for equal rights and acceptance for people of color?  The answer lies in one’s ability to walk a mile in another person’s shoes, to see outside of himself/herself, and to take a moment of pause to ask, “What micro biases am I imposing onto the subjects of my criticism?”

    Effective leaders should not allow their organization’s rigid belief systems and dictatorial policies to cause catastrophic change or allow rebellion to destroy the organizational culture.   Instead, effective leaders should constantly be mending the foundation of the organization and making pathways malleable and welcoming for all who enter. Diversity of employees, diversity thinking, and an inclusive culture can bring about organizational harmony to become a model organization in the global marketplace.

  • Lead toward Workplace Inclusion

    Written by Robert S. Robinson

    In the workplace, employees are exposed unfairly to privilege in leadership, micro-inequities in employee treatment, institutionalized prejudice, and sometimes, overt discrimination. Heightened awareness by leaders can drive them to bring about a more inclusive workplace.

    Inclusion and equality are extremely important to LGBTQ+ since they as a group do not have all the same protections under the law as do heterosexual, cisgender employees. Thus, LGBTQ+ employees may be impacted by those privileged employees and employers who may not know that LGBTQ+ are not provided equal treatment protections. Though privilege does not equate to bullying behavior and entitlement, this article will address these inequities and micro-inequities in Part 1 Privilege, and Part 2 Discrimination.

    Part 1: Privilege

    New employees may walk into an unfamiliar organizational culture and break implicit rules that are not written down but are enforced by leadership and followed by workers. Newcomers may break a rule without even knowing that the rule exists because the rules are only spoken and dictated by those in power. A most obvious example of privilege is when bosses don’t like the rules and change them to suit their own needs. Bosses state this emphatically as “it’s my way or the highway!” Not only do they have the privilege to change the rules, but they have the power to change them at will and whim. This can lead to a confused organizational culture, causing employees to feel vulnerable and unsafe.

    Institutionalized norms are so ingrained that we may think that new members’ are freaks or outcasts because they don’t wear team colors or company emblems on Fridays. Yet, they may come from other cultural norms in which Fridays are a sacred day and to lighten the mood with costume for sports or spirit is sacrilege. In other cases, levity in the office violates professional decorum. In more decreed norms such as religion rites, these unspoken rules of conduct can cause a person to become ostracized. Once in a suburb of Atlanta, a Catholic boss dismissed her mostly Catholic team on Good Friday, but made her Protestant employee stay at work and answer the phones in order to pretend that the office was open. The boss had assumed that Protestants don’t hold Good Friday sacred. Not only was the boss’s intent assumptive, but the impact on the employee was offensive. The matter became one where a diversity and inclusion lesson ensued.

    In another example, white is the color for a funeral and grief in China but the color for a funeral in Western culture is black. Red is a taboo at funerals in both cultures. Where do these rules come from? Who wrote these rules and why do they stand as monuments to times past?

    “In 1973 Mary Rowe, while working for the President and Chancellor at MIT, coined the notion of micro-inequities, which she defined as “apparently small events which are often ephemeral and hard-to-prove, events which are covert, often unintentional, frequently unrecognized by the perpetrator, which occur wherever people are perceived to be ‘different.’ Rowe noted that micro-inequities often had serious cumulative, harmful effects, resulting in hostile work environments and continued minority discrimination in public and private workplaces and organizations.

    What makes micro-inequities particularly problematic is that they consist in micro-messages that are hard to recognize for victims, bystanders and perpetrators alike. When victims of micro-inequities do recognize the micro-messages, Rowe argues, it is exceedingly hard to explain to others why these small behaviors can be a huge problem.”

    Source: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/265450386_Micro-affirmations_Micro-inequities

    Such cultural and personal micro biases are ingrained at such an early age that many are blind to these biases as they engage in day-to-day activities. At work, this can manifest as we have always done it that way.

    By raising awareness of a person’s own biases, employees and managers can train themselves to take a moment of pause and look inward before making a flash judgement about a situation or person. This takes consistency of practice and continuation of reflection. It is an ongoing process of self-checks and heighted self-awareness.

  • It’s Not About the Garment

    Written by David Rowell

    On a recent trip to Venice, my wife and I were standing at the end of a quiet lane overlooking the marvelous Grand Canal when a family joined-in for the view. Turning away from the beauty of the location to say hello, something caught my eye. Now, before I say anything further here, let me caution against jumping to a conclusion of inappropriate thought on my part, as what I saw was not meant to be concealed. Among the family was a young girl; or perhaps I should say young woman, maybe about 11 years old. The girl was wearing a tank top; one without a lot of material, and one that readily revealed the bra underneath as most of its strapping was exposed. Of course, I can’t say any intent in this, nor motivation. And as a guy, I don’t know what personal nuances may be at play here. Of course, I have known women. I’m married, have a sister and a daughter who went through puberty, and am aware there can be numerous thoughts regarding the garment itself as well as gender development. Women can hate bras as a matter of discomfort, or love fine lingerie, have practical ambivalence, and everything in between. More to the point as a matter of gender development, I am aware that ‘development’ is for many girls, indeed a source of great pride. And a first bra can bring great satisfaction. But, what occurred to me here, in that quick moment was the recalling of what I read from Janet Mock about her youth lived as a boy before becoming a woman. She tells very vividly about her deep and desperate want of girl’s/women’s shoes when she was taken into shoe stores. And I can tell you that in my work with transgender persons I often hear “I can’t wait until I …” (I can’t wait until I can go out in heels; I can’t wait until I can go to work in a dress shirt and tie, I can’t wait until I can wear a suit or a dress, to prom. And I can’t wait until I have facial hair to shave, or have noticeable breasts under my shirt). An often unrelenting barrage of “if only,” and I can’t wait.”

    It’s not about the bra or the shoes. Not generally anyway. And this is what cisgender people oftentimes don’t understand. “Ok, so you want to wear a sweater vest and button shirt – go wear one,” they may flippantly say; or “so you want to wear a skirt – people will stare but whatever”. And many a parent in the early stages of dealing with a transgender youth, mistakenly believe, they can give the child just that one desired garment and placate them perhaps. Not likely. These desires for articles of clothing that express inner gender are not only deep, but they are also persistent, and the word persistent is an understatement for many. For many it is clinical dysphoria. It is true that as it comes to gender expression there are spectrums and innumerable ways such are attached to the psyche, and not all of which dysphoric, whelming or even uncomfortable. The psychological and emotional manifestation differs for everyone. Regardless there are a great many that are denied the free expression of their inner gender to express through clothing and other means openly. And the thoughts and desire related to such can be very literally ever-present. Many a transgender woman living still as a male can’t walk down the sidewalk without a bombardment of envious thoughts about the women – their feminine mannerism as well as feminine clothing and styles; and likewise many a transgender man still living as a female can’t turn on the TV without envious thoughts about the masculine expression (behaviors as well as clothing) of the male characters seen. These desirous thoughts come at a transgender person all the time from many directions – harrying frustrating envy. They can’t wait to quell such with free expression.

    The first bra for a transgender female is as personal and as satisfying as it for any female. It may be hidden and for personal satisfaction only, or it may be open to all. The satisfaction is not just in wearing this garment or that. This too needs more understanding. Cisgender people need to get away from thinking, for example, that a transgender woman just likes to wear skirts and dresses. Yes, true, but for most feminine transgender persons only in the same way that other women like to wear skirts and dresses – as a natural expression and NOT as some abnormal kick or such. By far for most transgender males and transgender females, normalcy is the goal, not kink or something else. We all seek comfort in what we wear.

    So how can we help cisgender persons understand the deep and persistent desire for natural expression? First, let’s be clear that in the interest of understanding and empathy the goal is to help someone feel a similar nagging discomfort; or even more correctly a sense of persistent non-comfort; subtle and pervasive, a bit awkward but not freakish. We want them to understand a feeling of normal abnormality similar to what a transgender person feels when presenting in their assigned-at-birth gender. So, ideally, we could ask a cisgender person to wear clothing that is subtly the opposite gender. For example, ask a cisgender male to imagine he has to wear floral or pastel shirts of soft fabric in place of his standard button-down or polo shirts. Or perhaps subtly feminine slacks with a side zipper instead of a fly. Have him try to imagine that everyone expected him to wear this more feminine clothing every day. And have him imagine the nagging sense of wanting to not be thus feminine in his expression – a nagging sense of wanting to go out in a guy’s shirt and jeans. For a cisgender female you could have her imagine very basic pattern less non-form-fitting slacks of coarser fabric, and a very plain polo day after day.

    It may be hard for some cisgender persons to use their imagination, as described above. So, another way to help them gain empathy is through some actual experience. Of course it may be asking too much to get cisgender persons to actually wear clothing typically associated with another gender, but what about some other means of demonstrating nagging non-comfort. How about having them wear two different shoes to work or a night out. Or how about wearing a shirt inside out; or maybe pants on backwards for a stroll through a busy park. Something not entirely correct, but something not outright embarrassing either. In doing so, they should feel a constant sense of wanting to ‘correct’ the situation.

    This is what it is about. We use clothing to be correct with who we are (though often tempered by social norms). When we can truly show ourselves, who we are and who we want to be, and at the same time, feel correct – that is personally satisfying. It may be a suit, heels, or the straps of a bra, but it is mostly just ourselves that we want the world to see and accept. When we love our clothes, we really are loving ourselves and want others to do the same. Anything else is a matter of persistent non-comfort in one form or another.  

    Both cisgender and transgender persons feel need and pride in revealing themselves through clothing and other means. When a person cannot do so, they feel a consistent sense of wrongness that needs to be corrected. For most cisgender persons corrections can easily be made. That is not usually the case with transgender persons. Due to societal judgment, it is often hard for transgender persons to authentically outwardly express their true selves – yet the need remains.

  • Allies – Job #1 = Listening

    Written by David Rowell

    Not long ago, I was having a drink with an acquaintance of mine. Well actually let me step back as it’s important to stop and point out that this person was truly much more an acquaintance than a close friend. Our relationship was largely based on he being a colleague of a family member of mine, and someone I spoke to pretty rarely. Still, on one of those rare occasions where we happened to be sharing a happy hour drink, he told me, in very much out of the blue fashion, that he was gay. This person was 63 years old at that point in time and married. And I was only the third person he had told, having just very recently come out. The first was his wife, just a few weeks earlier, and likewise, the second was one of his children. So why me? He did know that my work included LGBTQ+, but at the same time, we had no history of which to fully determine I was a confidant. What he was able to discern in our few prior meetings, however, was that I was a good listener – an empathetic listener; something he very much needed at the time.

    Though we were not close, he did see me as an ally. And it can be said that empathetic listening is the most important work an ally can do. And on that point note that I call it work. It’s not that listening is not rewarding, enjoyable, or bilaterally serving, but it is not always easy. Empathetic listening often takes conscious effort.

    To back up a bit, we need to recognize that listening is a skill, a skill that will connect to others. Most of us are aware of this, but with career interests and such, we come to think of listening much more as a tool to gain information. Among other things, listening is a necessity to acquire essential information that helps us do assigned tasks, keep in the loop, to help fit in, etc…. Yet, the more important facet of listening is that of relationship builder and/or strengthener. Listening is powerful in this. Listening shows respect, engenders trust, and connects people emotionally and intellectually.

    In case you doubt the power of listening, I ask, “Who are the great listeners you know or have known?” I bet you can name them quickly regardless of how near or far they are or whether recent or past.

    One of the most personally touching stories about listening that was ever told to me came from my cousin Barb. Barb and I grew up together and have kept in touch throughout our lives. In my late forties at a time of reconnection with Barb, I told her she had always been a hero of mine, or rather the hero of mine, because of the great amount of laudable work she has done in her life. Much of her work was as a volunteer, and all of it was done in service to others. When I told her she was my hero, she countered that it was the other way around. Since adolescence, I had always been her hero. And the reason was that I listened. I am several years older than Barb, but we were close even when I was a teen and she a pre-teen. She recalls perfectly the two of us talking during long walks together during a time in her life that was difficult for her. I recall these times together, but I was a teenage boy oblivious to her angst. Yet the teenage boy took the time to listen to his younger female cousin. That simple act was so important to Barb that she can recall clearly how it made her feel after all these years, and how helpful it was for her for no reason other than a caring, friendly ear. My listening touched her, and her story touches me deeply. Her story is invaluable not only as a lesson in connection, but it is also a testament to the durable and strengthening power of listening.

    As it comes to allies of LGBTQ+, listening is especially important. This because not all allies fully understand the very real and deep issues LGBTQ+ persons face and experience. Allies may or may not have experienced similar things themselves, and more often it is – may not. Only through listening can they understand. And understanding is prerequisite to empathy.

    Allies, please note this – one other thing I learned about listening throughout my years (the number of which I won’t confess here) … is don’t pretend to listen. People eventually see through any subterfuge regardless of how well (you believe) you mask it. In not being forthright, you will either be seen as someone not to be trusted with confidences or someone who is only placating. In either case, you will be seen as someone not to fully connect with, and not a true ally.

    Real listening, or active listening, is hard. Active listening has two basic forms: 1) empathetic and 2) give-and-take. Empathetic listening is solely about the other person and what she or he has to say. This listening, sometimes called receptive or active listening, requires movement of position and/or perspective. And it is the type of listening most difficult for some to master. With give-and-take listening, a person legitimately listens with their own interests equal to what the speaker is saying. It is basically taking turns – turning on and off selfish listening with empathetic listening.

    There is nothing inherently wrong with give-and-take listening. It’s actually more common than empathetic listening. But empathetic, or receptive, listening is the path to trusted connection.

    To achieve receptive listening:

    1. Listen.Keep your mind quiet and process the words being said in a focused manner.
    2. Repeat the speaker’s words. This is a simple form of reflecting and involves repeating almost exactly what the speaker says. Repeating what the speaker says shows you’re paying attention, at a minimum. More importantly, it ensures you did indeed hear all that was said.
    3. Rephrase. At this stage, you rephrase what was said in your own words. This ensures you understand what was said and reveals any misunderstanding. Paraphrasing involves using different words to reflect what the speaker has said. It demonstrates not only that you are listening but that you are attempting to understand. 
    4. Reflect on what was said. Here, we focus on the feeling(s) behind the words and not just on what is being said. You reflect what you sense. This helps get to the real (personal) import of the words that were said. This can be seen as listening with your heart.

    It is difficult to resist the temptation to ask questions when you first use this technique. And it is difficult to remain completely focused and not think about your own thoughts, perspectives and experiences.

    Although the rephrasing step may seem stilted and awkward, it is vital to the process. When you both rephrase content and reflect feeling, others will sense your desire to really listen and understand. It also demonstrates that full and correct information was shared and that you understand it from the perspective of the speaker. It also shows you care.

    Another thing to pay heed to is that all this deliberate listening must, repeat – must, be done without judgment. Judgment inhibits complete understanding and negates real empathy. Our LGBTQ+ family members, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances get enough of undeserved judgment from others, they certainly don’t need any bit from (so-called) allies. True allies listen with no judgment – period.

    If you are a good listener, you will become known as such. People will seek you out as a supportive ally, and in return you gain real, personally rewarding relationships with truly wonderful people. As I have with my family member’s colleague. And this holds true whether persons are LGBTQ+, cis, hetero … anyone and everyone wants, and often needs, good listeners, and appreciates such. Even one’s cousin.